Itchy Palms and Other Portents That Mean To Inspire

AAAAAHHHH... The pause that refreshes, eh? Ha ha ha. Just slept the whole day and while, normally(?), that wouldn't exactly sound as good as it feels: Damn! That does just hit the spot!

And as for the theme for the day... Nada. Too bored.

Downside/Upside: One of my cats gave birth to two kittens (What else could she give birth to? Lawn chairs?!) and one of them's dead. Poor thing looks almost human- curled up defensively, perhaps trying to keep the last ebb of life from leaking away. Gave me the creeps. Fetal and blind, pale and pink. I wondered if it was dead before it came out or after. Couldn't briong myslef to touch it. Not particularly squeamish but this time I could scream. A vessel emptied of life. I could almost see those tiny claws scrabbling, one leg kicking, trying to drive itself towards the light. Argh.

Ennui as the Father of Perversion?

Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.

Mark Twain


I wonder if murderers prove better company than nuns? I have never been a supporter of the Roman Catholic faith, even less in these times (if possible), but isn't fanaticism of an ideal the same on either side of the coin? The murderer indulges a pimitive response to acclimation while a nun does the same (with hypocritical flair, quite interestingly). How strange that we should employ a defective yet delightful defensive mechanism of sorts to an incidence factoring a supposed Divine concep yet learn to move with automatic (if more often than not) fatal grace with the termination of human (?) life. Should I be confused or is my Catholic upbringing getting in the way? Ha ha ha, to be quite serious, shall we indulge ourselves to a coldy served dish as "Man is inherently evil" or project dismay at the profound "admission"? Which begs the question, should this thought then support the existence of evil and the absence of good? That denial is the one thing we prize most-- the refusal to see in this Nightmare light is simply the ability to see all to clearly in the Dark? Very strange but typically human, no? Perverse creatures that we are, we find ourselves validating that which makes us so. Such odd enterprises often leave me short of breath but not without the excitement such an ascpade can promise. Do we begin to be Honest in simple Acknowledgement or is Action the final seal? I guess the Roman catholic faith really is just another well-publicized cult-- a formidable opponent, yes, but "correct"? Which makes me wonder more-- does this then support that what which we seek is what which is not "correct"? Or are we stultified with our denioal that we belive it "correct" but at the same time it is an indulgence of what we seek as "incorrect"?

Ho hum.

Boring day. Maybe the end of the world will happen. I hope not though. I don't have all my faculties available upon my disposal. *sigh* What a pity "it" is. >:)

The Wings of the Dove

If there is a sin against life, it consists perhaps not so much in despairing of life as in hoping for another life and in eluding the implacable grandeur of this life.

Albert Camus


How strange that one would post the words of an existentialist in a blog entry entitled hope. Perhaps all is not lost, eh?

I'm actually tempted to leave it as it was (ending in those words) but perhaps I've got logorrhea (strike perhaps). I'm just not content to leave well-enough alone. Pity.

I work in a call center. I aim to end it-- Some time soon. It's not the money (I try to convince myself of this) but I am a creature who longs for comfort and routine (do we all?). And before I begin contradicting myself even more (if possible), let me say this: To Dream is the most terrifying thing I/we have done. And maybe that would be the same reason why I return to it. I have had Hope tear at my breast, and though bloody, I find my heart still beating. Silly things, hearts are. I'd be laughing if it didn't hurt so much. I have despaired at the thought of pursuing my dreams-- it can only mean suffering and, more importantly, bearing it. It can only mean taking your armour off and running naked through the streets. Ho well. I'm sure I've done it before. I just can't remember it being THIS scary. It does not mean though that I'll be a nicer person after it (maybe to exploit a few I might-- Heh heh). Nobler? I have no use for dignity if it only serves to make others feel better about treating me "humanely". I care not for human devices if they were simply made to make others feel better. I aim to please me.

Am I sad though? I definitely am. There are many I know whom I will miss terribly. There are many I know whom I'll never hear from again. Call centre life does that to you. Do I feel lucky? I don't know. I feel terrible, that much is sure. Terrified, to be exact. But there's a calming sense of finality that more than enough assures me I'm heading somewhere. At the very least, eh? I had often feared growing old in that industry. I hope I am able to finally escape it.

It feels like the end. It only means then that I'm probably right.

An Out-Of-The-Body Experience (More Commonly Known As What-Have-You)

Here I was, thinking that maybe it was a bad mistake (you mean there're good ones?!-- Hmn.. Silly question but: yes. Although it does depend with the amount of prejudice, also known as preferred illusions, into it.). I normally like mistakes , especially my own, as they never fail to uncover something about me (and people) that I never thought I had but suspiciously felt I did (have, I mean). Lookit that! Another entry! When will I tire I wonder (I think I did yesterday but whoever said I had a limit on the times one can tire of something? God knows, and I'll bet "He" does- pardon affixing a gender to the idea- that humans are more than comfortable in repeat refreshments...)? Ho well. That was a rhetoric but, hey, don't they feel better when they're out of your head and out to annoy people with their imperviousness? *sigh* A relief, lemme tell ya.
So moving on, I was just speaking to Jayce of (pretentiously but oddly aptly titled) "Cobwebs and Souls Blog" and he, trying to deliver the message with as much insouciance (Boy, wouldn't he just LOVE having such a nice word used in the same sentence as his name!) he can muster, tells me that he's "outed" me (Mind you, I don't think I encased the word in quotation marks with the same reason he has but fools do stumble across treasures now and then). Whoa (insert deadpan humour). ... Gyah hah hah. As if it matters (I can hear people agreeing but I'll get you guys one of these days. Don't worry.). Those who do know me already know I am Egomet. And for those who don't know me as Joel but know me as Egomet-- Why should it even have any value? I just can't see it. Perhaps Old Age has stunted my learning growth but I just can't over this (mole) hill. Actually I can and I'm just being a drama queen insisting I can't. Ho hum. Now that terribly bores me (dainty creature that it is). So, Jayce, if yer reading this (and no doubt I'll force feed it to you-- yet again...), It doesna really matter so tell me why it gave you pleasure/satisfaction/ sense of fulfillment/_________(insert appropriate feeling associated with satiation). On second thought... Don't. 'll just annoy myself thinking why instead. Hooray. Now, that certainly feels better.
Now onto other things (assuming I can come up with the "other things"-- very post-mortem in reverse). I was thinking how nice it would be if the new pope (He, of the Roman Catholic persuasion) were to just die. He's a lot more annoying than the first (The previous one was afflicted with so much medical inconsistencies that he couldbn't really be bothered coming up with his own thoughts- I hear the new one ghostwrote for him). Plus he thinks a lot of things are plain evil. Especially people of MY persuasion (that would be me and the general populace of Homo-Rama-Ville). Great. I knew I'm evil but to be evil BY DEFAULT?! What sacrilege. I thought I had earned it and turns I needn't have tried. Oh well. What a waste of time and effort.

At least I had fun.

P.S.
And, yes, Jayce, I would be insulted were people to think you even came close to my level of intelligence but feel free to have your illusions. It's free I hear. I doubt that it is but I'm not about to clear THAT misconception up. So much more "happy thoughts" in waiting and seeing people eventually find out.

P.P.S.
But don't let this give people the wrong idea. Although he did exercise bad taste in calling me "Joselito" but what could I expect? I actually like Jayce. Terribly shallow but delightfully misled. Such honesty can't walk past me without a tug or two. I think we're starting to become friends (Not so horrific now that it's on its way... Feels strangely familiar...).

Let us gaze into the mirror and lose what's left of innocence, shall we?